


Here comes the Dawn, and you with it

by Poetry_lover



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Banana Fish Angst Week 2019, Healing, Lost Love, M/M, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Photographs, Post-Side Story: Garden of Light, Repressed Memories, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-06 23:40:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17354849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poetry_lover/pseuds/Poetry_lover
Summary: " Eiji trembled, extracting those shots stolen from the cruelty of their fate.They were happy, they were young. And above all they couldn't imagine what awaited them.Reliving those moments was like digging deeper wounds into him. But he was there.Ash lived in those photographs, they were what remained of him.Memories held so dearly for fear they might fade one day.Eiji clutched at those fragments, thinking that dying would be less painful.Maybe it was the best solution at all. "





	Here comes the Dawn, and you with it

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I suggest you to prepare a lot of tissues if you are sensitive and you like to suffer.  
> (Maybe you can read this while listening to the soundtrack "Him and Hym" from the anime, to cry even a lot).

_**HERE COMES THE DAWN AND YOU WITH IT.** _

>  
> 
>  
> 
> _" This night_  
>  _I'm more afraid of dying,_  
>  _so, I imagine_  
>  _your hands and your eyes_  
>  _on my body._  
>  _Your hands and your eyes_  
>  _that are laid_  
>  _on my body,_  
>  _in this dark night,_  
>  _like all the others and_  
>  _so infinitely irrelevant._  
>  _Your hands and your eyes_  
>  _that, for a brief moment,_  
>  _save me_  
>  _from nothing. "_  
> 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> It was a day like everyone else. Time kept running so fast since then, that keeping up with it was a distant illusion. Behind his passage it did nothing but spread only fragments of insurmountable pain. A heart that couldn't be cured, a soul that couldn't find peace devoured by such a remorse that couldn't go away: this was what remained of Eiji now.
> 
> His life, if we can define it this way, had become a monotonous cycle of repetitive actions, which had lost all their meaning. Nothing had been as he had imagined it, nor could it have been changed. He was aware of this raw truth, which tore at his chest every moment.
> 
> To him the hardest part had remained, the most unsustainable weight, and his shoulders alone couldn't be enough. It was too many times when he would have preferred to give up everything. He would have liked to stop pretending that hidden in the dawn of each new day there would be still something that could save him again from the oblivion he had sunk into.
> 
> Thoughts became more and more entangled in his mind, as he tried to drive them away. They fed on him, although what remained was very little.
> 
> The dark-haired boy looked out of the window, while under his eyes so much life flooded the streets of Manhattan. For those people it was a new beginning, but for him it seemed another step very far from the end.
> 
> He sighed. What time could it be? Was it important?
> 
> His work could also wait, because he didn't want to be productive anyway. He just couldn't.
> 
> The truth was another. That wasn't a day like the others. And he, better than anyone, knew it well. He just wanted to believe it, for a moment. That all was normal, like he remembered. He wanted to tell a lie to himself, for once, or at least, to be able to.
> 
> He felt a grip on his stomach: he didn't eat the night before. It also added to the fact that his appearance wasn't good at all: heavy dark circles furrowed his seemingly expressionless face.
> 
> During the night he hadn't close his eyes, waiting for the dawn once again. What a fool he was.  
>  He never got tired of it. Perhaps because, early in the morning, those soft colors were able to revive in his memory that person whom he had long tried to keep buried.  
>  He thought that by not talking about him, not visiting that damn library, things could seem bearable. That he could go on without ever realizing what happened.
> 
> Anyhow, as every day, _the dawn_ came. The sun's rays caressed his face, bringing to his mind a vague feeling of a touch now lost. And he closed his eyes, tooking pleasure of that warmth, which he didn't want to leave.
> 
> Obviously, even the sun sooner or later would have been hidden by clouds, and their presence made Eiji realize how much he missed Ash, his light, and how much everything was over too soon and without a real _Goodbye_.
> 
> Eiji turned away from the large, shining window on which he had focused his attention, and lowered the curtains. With slow, somewhat uncoordinated steps, he approached to an old worn calendar that was hung on the wall. There was a date circled in red. The day when his soul had broken, and in which another had flown away far from his love.
> 
> A lonely tear silently descended on his face.
> 
> << Today you di-...As... Ash...why... >> he hissed almost in a sob.
> 
> How much longer would he have to suffer like this? How much longer the ghosts of the past will haunt him? His eyes immediately became wet, remembering the day he first saw Ash. A lynx so proud and majestic that made him fell in love in an instant.
> 
> If only he could do something back then. He felt like a coward. Because of that stupid letter he had lost him. What would have happened if instead he would have gone to take Ash and bring him away so they could stay together?
> 
> Probably this would be an anniversary of happiness, of life, of love. And not of death. Not of solitude, not of horrible remorses.Japan could be their home, and they would have flown away, together. Yes, Eiji would have teached Ash to hover in the sky free and fearless like an eagle.
> 
> But now, what could he do?
> 
> Eiji felt he loved him with every fiber of himself, even though he had not been able to tell him so openly. There couldn't be anyone else for Eiji, because even the brightest diamond couldn't replace the jade that had now taken possession of his heart.
> 
> Those light-green irises of him, Eiji often saw them in a dream. They looked at him in a sweet way, shimmering. And Eiji couldn't help but feel so damn lucky. They were there for him, _Ash was there for him_ , whenever he closed his eyes and imagined it.
> 
> But that could no longer be enough. Eiji didn't want to meet Ash only in those brief intangible moments, he really wanted him by his side to protect him, hold him, kiss him and reassure him.
> 
> Or maybe it had always been the opposite?
> 
> Eiji could remember perfectly all the times when Ash had helped him, in which they were obliged to fight, but not alone. Because whomsoever it was Ash or Eiji, one of them would have saved the other.
> 
> He couldn't help but smile bitterly. The taste of love was bitter, salty as all the tears he had swallowed since he was not with him anymore.
> 
> Suddenly, he heard a lot of noises coming from outside, and this made him awake from his torments. His movements were fluid again. It was like having woken up abruptly from a state of torpor. Looking around, Eiji decided to make the room dark. He didn't want any source of light that could penetrate inside his small apartment. He wanted to stay away from the whole world.
> 
> He walked toward his desk, wrapped in an undefinable mess. Scattered sheets, pencils, pens, albums, photos depicting landscapes, newspapers... stuff that had no value for him.  
>  He opened one of the drawers, and carefully pulled out an envelope that had been yellowed by time. It was difficult even to read what was written above. Only a year was clearly distinguishable: 1985.
> 
> Eiji sighed. He had to find the strength to remember without it being too painful.
> 
> << _That summer, a special season. Chips and fries, banana, pica, chocolate chip, cherry, super-sized Coke. Wiping oily fingers off on our shirts. Swimming in the river in our clothes. Cape Cod, 1985: the summer we were boys for the very last time._ >>
> 
> Eiji trembled, extracting those shots stolen from the cruelty of their fate. They were happy, they were young. And above all they couldn't imagine what awaited them. Reliving those moments was like digging deeper wounds into him.
> 
> _But he was there_. Ash lived in those photographs, they were what remained of him. Memories held so dearly for fear they might fade one day.
> 
> Eiji clutched at those fragments, thinking that dying would be less painful.
> 
> Maybe it was the best solution at all.
> 
> What was the point of his life if he had to be alone? And most of all, why Ash was taken away from him? Maybe he was just waiting for Eiji in the afterlife, and Eiji was just postponing his death, even if he would have fallen into her arms willingly, if that means seeing Ash again.
> 
>   
>  Then Eiji saw a tiny ray of sunlight that made its way into the darkness. Even after all this time? Why Ash is still so stubborn? Why protecting him from all those thoughts? No matter how much he hid, Ash would always find a way to get him on the right path.
> 
> Even if that meant pulling them away, destroying them once again. And even now, wherever Ash was, deep inside Eiji knew he was not willing to see him fall so miserably.
> 
> The Japanese sighed again, holding back his tears. He put away what he had taken, all those pictures back in their place, and walked slowly toward that tiny beam of light.
> 
> << Don't worry, Ash. Although I desperately want to see you, I know that ending it is not what you want for me. You are so overprotective even when you're not here. >>
> 
> The beam was really hot and bright, and it was then that Eiji understood clearly.  
>  _Their souls were still intertwined, even though they were unreachable._ He had only to wait until the moment when they would be happy and together again.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>   
>  That evening, Eiji fell asleep almost immediately.
> 
> He dreamed of a friendly face, blond hair like the ears of a cornfield, a dazzling smile, bright green eyes.
> 
> Ash had appeared to him in all his glory, and Eiji returned to the age of 19, and abandoned himself, even if for a single night, to the love he had so longed for and had been brutally taken away from him.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the end of the story.  
> First of all thank you for reading this messy thing and for leaving kudos.  
> I hope that there aren't too many mistakes in this short work I've written for the Banana Fish Angst week.  
> I thought it was a good chance to be productive in some way and I liked reading other's work because they inspired me a lot. I am italian so I wrote this piece entirely with the knowledge of my english, and I really hope it sounds good and that I managed at least to give an idea of how Eiji feels knowing that Ash is no longer by his side.  
> It was sad, lots of tears fell while writing. But I am a masochist, so...it was nice anyway.  
> Ah, and last thing you'll hear from me: I like to believe that our sweet boys are now safe and sound together.  
> I didn't like the end so much but I found that it fits with all what happened...even if some characters really deserved better.  
> It was a drama from the beginning, however.


End file.
